How To Deal With Loneliness Within A Christian Marriage
This past week marked five years of marriage to my wonderful husband. To be honest, I can’t believe that five years has already gone by! How is that possible? Looking back, it seems to have flown by but there were some periods that felt like they would never end when we were in the midst of them.
As I have reflected on these past five years, I definitely will vouch for the fact that married life is a wonderful gift from God. There is a oneness with my husband that no other human relationship can rival and I love the beauty of our marriage. And I want to make sure you hear that before I say what I am about to say.
Marriage does NOT cure loneliness!
Every person enters marriage with high expectations that are followed by a certain amount of “let-down”as the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends. That’s okay. It is normal to realize that you didn’t marry a perfect person and to realize that you can’t be the perfect person to your spouse either.
One of my highest expectations upon entering marriage was the fact that I was certain I wouldn’t ever feel lonely again. I now have a person who I pretty much will spend 24/7/365 rubbing elbows with. How could I be lonely now?
Then reality hit. First, his crazy teaching/coaching schedule took over certain seasons of our life to the point where I really only saw my husband awake for about 30 minutes a day. (So thankful that season of life has closed and led to a much more family-friendly schedule!)
However, when the schedule was not the issue, there was the issue of miscommunication and differences to be worked through. I couldn’t believe how utterly lonely I was left feeling when my dear husband did not understand my feelings or validate them the way I expected. Feeling of loneliness and frustration would suffocate me even when we were sitting in the same room!
I expected marriage was going to end the battle I had had with loneliness as a single person!
And yet periods of loneliness persisted. Honestly, I think for many wives, just as myself, loneliness stems from misplaced expectations. We expect our husbands to do and be things that no human could ever do or be. For instance, I basically wanted Nick to show characteristics that only God has. You know, things like being all-knowing of my heart and feelings without me having to say a word. The poor man didn’t stand a chance!
*This post contains affiliate links to help keep the ministry of Ambitions for Christ in operation. You can read our disclosure policy here. Thanks for your support of this ministry!*
Marriage does provide companionship
God created marriage for companionship. In Genesis 2:18 God says, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Yes, there are people that God does call to live a life to singleness (such as the apostle Paul.) However, the majority of people have their God-instilled desire for companionship fulfilled largely through marriage. In marriage, we have someone to experience life’s highest and lowest moments with. There is now a person who knows what we look like at our worst and still loves us!
I really want you to grasp this point because while we may have times where we experience loneliness in our marriage relationship we must realize that marriage was created to provide us as companions to each other.
*Right now, I am addressing healthy Christian marriages. If you are in a relationship with a spouse and your source of feelings of loneliness are brought on by verbal or physical abuse, please seek help and counseling!*
Marriage makes us holy!
As Christians, God desires for us to be refined and made to be more like Him. One of the best ways I believe God refines us is by placing us in relationship with other humans, in particular, our spouse!
Before getting married, I believed I was a patient person. A year into marriage, I wondered if I could even consider that a quality I possessed. I was not very patient (or forgiving) towards my husband, especially when he *gasp* still did not return his empty hangers to the proper location! (Oh, it was a very real fight we have had…)
Marriage helps God reveal the best and the worst of our heart’s condition towards other human beings and even towards God Himself. Marriage is a refining fire that is designed to draw us even closer to God!
Final Thoughts
When the times of loneliness start to affect your marriage, take a few minutes to step back and evaluate your expectations. Let God make you aware of the areas that you need to adjust your expectations.
Also, take time to relish the companionship you do have with your spouse. Highlight the areas of strengths in your marriage. Seek to find times where you can nurture your marriage, especially if you have small children at home!
Finally, let God use the ups and the downs of marriage draw you closer to Him! Allow Him to fill in the gaps when your human spouse lets you down. Find your ultimate joy and fulfillment in your relationship with your Savior and Lord.
Your Turn
- What expectations did you have when you got married that later went unfulfilled?
- How can you find practical ways to allow times of loneliness to draw you closer to God?
- What unfulfilled expectations do you need to bring before God and have Him help you forgive your spouse for?
Resources That Might Help
The 5 Love Languages
If all that sounds like gooble-gook to you, then you definitely will want to check out The 5 Love Languages
Bonus points for the fact that I understood myself and my own love languages better as well! 🙂
Comment and Share
Please leave a comment if you have thoughts you would like to add. I love hearing from my readers!
If you found this article helpful, please hit the share button below! 🙂
Thanks for stopping by!
11 Comments
Linda
My husband has backslidden and has gotten distracted by materialism. That is what brings loneliness in my marriage. I am thankful for my relationship with the Lord and friendships. I still desire a closer connection with my husband.
Barry Savage
I often read about lonely wife’s not much about husbands. I’ve been married for over 30 years and my wife ignores me. It’s not just a problem for women but that’s all the info I find on the subject. She even refuses to hold my hand but has plenty of time for her sisters. The discussion is so one sided I feel.
Amber
Dear sir,
My wife asked me to respond to your query. I wanted to start by offering you some hope. Your marriage sounds similar to my parents. You are not alone in this problem, even when it seems like you might be the only one struggling, you are not alone. 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that no new temptation has befallen us. Take heart in the fact that the Lord wants your marriage to succeed, wants it to honor and glorify Him, and He makes all things work according to His good and perfect will. Our God is good.
This is a difficult situation, but the Bible offers wisdom and guidance on just this problem. I would suggest starting in Ephesians (Chapter 5 to be more specific, verses 21-33). Start by focusing on the part directed to husbands. We are called to love our wives “as Christ loved the church.” As in, be willing to die for her. Have you prayed for her? Have you led her towards Christ? Have you shown and told her how much you love her? It is hard to respect the man who doesn’t take his duties around the house seriously. Knowing that you have done your job is the hardest part. We don’t keep a record of wrongs, we don’t keep a ledger book of love designed to make sure we are always in the black, while she is in the red. My biggest fear would be a selfish desire for my wife to worship me. This would be the opposite of God’s command and would be detrimental to our relationship and my wife’s walk with Christ. Diligent prayer, Bible study, and love for my wife would need to proceed anything on my part. I would want to repent of my sin to God, seek His forgiveness and become a better man. You might find that being a better husband will make her a better wife.
However, if this has been accomplished on your part, and God has opened your eyes to this problem, then it may be time to discuss this with her. Sin hides in the darkness, and only by exposing it to the light can we begin to deal with sin in our hearts (John 3:20). Part of the husband’s job is to address his wife’s sin, to cleanse her and make her holy (Ephesians 5:26). Ignoring her sin is just as bad as ignoring your sin. If God has shown you this is a problem with your marriage then you must also step up as a husband and address the sin that is driving your marriage away from Christ.
The process starts with seeking God’s wisdom both before, during, and after the confrontation. Ardent prayer for your wife and your marriage must soak this interaction. Pray together, read Ephesians 5 21-33 together, and listen to what she has to say. Remember, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19). When she plays the “what about you” card, apologize for the sin, and move the conversation forward. The most important thing to remember is that it is more important to have a good marriage than to win a fight.
Seek out a Christian Counselor at your church and be willing to fight for your marriage. Pray for your wife, pray for your marriage, and study your Bible. Try reading Paul David Tripp’s book What Did You Expect? God has great things planned for you, your wife, and your marriage.
In Christ’s Love,
Nick
SYLVETTE
To Barry:
I understand how you feel. My husband for 2 years doesn’t hold my hands anymore nor cuddles with me at night. He doesn’t even hug me. He did mentioned before that he’s always been distant to his past relationships. IE – he cannot sleep next to someone feeling their skin next to them (supposedly someone’s skin is warm- I don’t know. That is his explanation). At first, I tried to ignore but few months after, it started to become less and less ‘sweet’. As a wife, I am starting to feel lonely and alone, ergo the ‘loneliness’ comes in. I’ve been listening to a lot of sermons online and from my church about getting the fulfillment from God. I get it but is it normal for a wife to not feel loved? I know God loves me but why do I have this empty emotions. Am I so messed up that when I got married, and I know I’m not alone on this, I will not be alone anymore.
The ‘FINAL THOUGHT’ section really hits the spot though it still hurts to think that I married someone who cannot show his affection to me. As a women, I need that physical affection. I’m just afraid that just because I am lacking this in my marriage, it will cause myself to destruction. I say this because my husband’s 1st wife cheated on him and caused their divorce. Now, without him telling me all the detail, his actions towards me, I feel like it makes sense why she cheated. He wasn’t affectionate to her so she ended up finding someone who will give that ‘attention’ she needed and wanted.
I love my husband and I don’t want to cheat on him nor even fantasize about cheating on him. I keep remembering one of the sermons from my church, ‘Marriage is not a feeling. It’s a commitment.’ It is true when they say sometimes, it’s hard to love them when they treat us what we don’t deserve. I really thought being married is the end of loneliness and crying at night. It’s not at all! It’s challenge after challenge it seems and sometimes I feel like throwing the towel. That is the truth. It sounds like I’m a bit younger than those that have commented on this post because you all have been married close to 20 years while I am only on my 2nd. I home my feelings and thoughts are normal because I don’t like feeling this way.
Thank you for this blog. Let me know if you have any suggestions for me or for my 2 years of marriage.
Rebekah
I’m chuckling about the hangers and the closet – yes, Yes, YES! Oh my! My husband was living on his own for a while before we got married. Bad hanger habits, LOL. It’s a real thing, though! And it’s frustrating to deal with very (very!!) different expectations!
Loneliness was not something I was expecting either. We’ve been married 18 years now and there are still those times. But it’s productive – I use it to spur me on to do things so that when we are together, I’m not worried about the laundry or the dishes or any other little projects that need done. 🙂
Great post!
Amber
LOL, I am glad to hear that we weren’t the only couple to struggle with bad hanger habits! 🙂
Thanks for stopping by and commenting! 🙂
Kira
I’ve even found loneliness to be worse after marriage because of the expectation that I should always have someone. But God didn’t design marriage that way. I am definitely more satisfied in my marriage when I look for fulfillment in Christ instead of my husband.
Kira
I’ve found it can even feel more lonely when you are married because you are “supposed” to have someone. But like you said, it’s an unrealistic expectation that our husbands will cure loneliness; that is not how God designed marriage. I am so much more satisfied in my marriage when I look for satisfaction in Christ instead of my husband.
Amber
Marriage can become even more challenging when we are in marriage just to not be single! You are so right there! Thanks for stopping by and commenting! 🙂
Brenda
I’ve been married 22 years and still experience loneliness in my marriage. My husband works so much, then come home, eats dinner, and goes to sleep. I need to learn to draw closer to God. Thanks for your post. It’s definitely something I needed to hear.
Amber
Thank you for your kind words! I will be praying that you are aware of God’s loving presence in your times of loneliness!
Thanks for stopping by!